Surf Isn't Real

I have a conspiracy theory. Surf isn’t real. Hear me out.

I’ve seen a lot of movies, documentaries, and photos of people surfing in the ocean. But I’ve never seen it in real life. And I’ve even been to the beach.

Earlier this year I tried to do a surf lesson at a Gulf Coast beach that will remain nameless to protect the guilty. Standing on the beach waiting for the instructor to show up, my phone rang. It was the surf instructor calling to explain that the “monster” waves that day made it un-surfable. It didn’t look that bad but hey, I was no expert. No problem, we could try the next day.

That night the surf company called to say the forecast looked bad again for the next day, so they needed to cancel. The waves were going to be too big.

The next morning, I sat on the beach watching tiny, smooth waves roll in. I called the surf company. They couldn’t get anyone down to the beach. THE SURF COMPANY COULDN’T GET ANYONE DOWN TO THE BEACH THAT DAY.

I began to get suspicious. I ended my trip without any surf.

A couple of months later I was in southern California for some reason. I went to the beach. Finally, a chance to see real surfers in the wild.

I saw a couple of people in wetsuits carrying surfboards out into the water. This looked promising. They paddled out into the ocean and then…just sat there. Or more accurately, they had to keep paddling and then got swept down the coast. After a while they came back in. No waves were surfed.

I saw this charade repeated by multiple purported surfers.

I left California without witnessing surfing occurring, convinced that the whole thing is a conspiracy. I now believe surfing is really about taking staged photographs and doctored videos, wearing the right brand of clothes, and most important of all, talking about surfing. 

Tell me I’m wrong.

- High Plains Surfer